if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
