Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
