I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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