I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
