I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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