After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
