I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
