if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
