my phone needs a breathalizer
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
