College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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