im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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