you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
