I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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