I'm gonna have a badass scar
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
