I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
