Four minutes until I can fart!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
