Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Acid is not a monday night drug
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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