well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
