You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
