I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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