Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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