those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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