Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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