You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
