you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I stole a fireplace last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
