just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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