Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
