No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
