porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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