I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
