i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
