Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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