I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
