I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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