need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
