It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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