T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
