so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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