Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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