just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
