My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
