That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
