You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
