I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
