we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
