I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
