False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had sex on a dog bed..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
