But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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