some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
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