That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
